it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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