Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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