I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
