Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
