Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
