I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
