Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
