You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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