dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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