She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
