So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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