My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You pole danced in your parka.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize