I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
