yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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