There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i think i just lost a toe
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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