yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize