Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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