He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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