Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
