i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
