I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
