I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
