If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
