please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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