I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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