every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
