Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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