You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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