i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
