he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
