I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
