i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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