Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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