I just made out with a guy for $7.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize