just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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