When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
