watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
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