i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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