I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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