I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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