2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
be right there i have to get my cape
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
