Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
