How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
