in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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