We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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