I looked at my own cervix.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
