i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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