I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
