ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i barfeds in our rink
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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