Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
