i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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