My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
