When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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