is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
