Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize