if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
