I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
