Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
