stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We were destined to go to rehab together
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
His nipple licking is glorious
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