Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
a search helicopter?!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize