thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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