So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
